Upstairs neighbors

Listening: Closing Time-Semisonic

The boys who live above me are moving furniture. They have been doing so for about three days. Every few minutes a bed or a chair scrapes across the wooden floor. Every few hours something thuds loudly on my ceiling and I consider going upstairs. Last night, as I sat at my desk cramming the last bit of biology into my brain before my early morning exam, I could even hear them opening and closing drawers.

But it’s not those neighbors I’m being distracted by.

No, it is my thoughts that are moving a hundred miles a minute and desperately opening and closing drawers. For the first time in a few weeks, I’ve had a spare moment. Chrissy just left my room to go study for her Spanish exam tomorrow, but with two exams behind me I’ve given myself the afternoon off to relax before I begin consuming theoretical math like a madman. I’m alone in my room, on my bed, looking out my window surrounded by my books and my thoughts, and realizing that this is only my space for a few more days. I haven’t moved a lot in my life, and so the idea that some one else will sleep in this bed for a year and call this place I love home and redecorate is foreign to me.

I need some closure. So, as per recommendation from my friend Tammie, here’s my closure:

1. What are the 2-3 themes that personally defined this semester for you?

Theme #1: contentment: This semester I’ve really learned to stop pushing myself so hard. I’ve learned to note my spot in life, to be grateful for where I am, and to stop trying to turn my spot into something else. I’ve learned comparison and my overwhelming desire for approval are ultimately hurting me, and that where I am is where I should be.

Theme #2: submission: I’ve learned that I am not the smartest, the prettiest, or even the most interesting. I’ve learned that my idea of control and a godly view of control do not line up. I’ve learned that my desire to take over everything in my life makes me crazy, and that nothing about trying to be my own god makes my life any easier.
2. What people, books, accomplishments, or special moments created highlights this semester?

I would love to list people, but so many of you have made such a massive impact in my life that I know I would miss everyone important. Thank you to all of you who held my hand every day, let me do my ugly cry, laid with me on my outside blanket in the quad and drank countless cups of coffee with me.

I read Beloved by Toni Morrison and You know when the men are gone by Siobhan Fallon. Both reminded me that books do not have to make political statements, but they should connect. I was reminded that a good book is one that is written well and one that relates well. I was reminded that strong women write strong books.

Freshman year I have been incredibly de-resume interested. I’ve reversed my mindset from high school. I didn’t join any clubs or become anything’s president. While I have some incredible opportunities lined up for next year, none of them are resume boosters. I’m learning to pursue my passions. I finished the first draft of my novel, and have grown immensely as a writer.

3. If given a chance, what would you do differently? Why (the why is most important)?

I would love to go back to the beginning of this semester and change the way I responded to people when they asked me about my novel. I’ve learned to be proud of my work. I’ve learned to let people read it without fear of rejection, or maybe despite of it.

4. 2-3 things you learned this semester – spiritually, emotionally and relationally (3 separate lists).

spiritually:
1) no one can change your spiritual habits except for you.
2) sometimes, the best person to strengthen your beliefs is the one who challenges them.
3)religion is not spirituality. Anyone can be religious and follow rules, but you can’t fake spirituality.

emotionally:

1) people will still love you if you do your ugly cry in public, they might even love you more.
2)only you let yourself get angry
3)just because an emotion is not rational does not mean that it is wrong.

relationally:

1) if you hold hands with girls on campus, some people will think that you are a lesbian, but those people don’t matter
2) the people who love you will sit with you inside a bathroom stall in a community bathroom and hold your hand when you don’t feel like you can do it anymore
3)relationships are best when laden with truth, long nights, never ending conversation, and great food.

5. For what are you particularly grateful?

For a community and a major that pushes me in every direction be that spiritually, emotionally, relationally, rationally, or mentally I will always be grateful.